Fairness

Life isn't fair. Duh. We all know this.

But when I read that other women are getting to talk to their husbands for an HOUR...well, this saying seems to be laughing in my face.

Life really isn't fair.

BUT...there are women don't have their husbands because they've died. There are women who haven't heard from their husband in months, who have husbands in combat, who have husbands that work in dangerous places, and I'm not just talking Army, folks. There are places in the world where waking up in the morning increases your chance of being killed. Portland, OR isn't one of them.

So...really...I shouldn't complain.

Doesn't mean I'm not still bummed....

T-minus 30

So, my husband is almost all graduated from BCT. The time went both slowly and quickly. Obviously, I didn't pass the time by blogging. I mostly went on AWC, pined, played with baby and dealt with the horrible clusterf*ck that was my inlaws. At least I didn't have to deal with it first hand. I was more of a person who got caught by the edge of the storm, drenched but not battered. It made me realize a few things, mostly that I need to learn how to drive and that I can't trust some people or depend on others. Kind of a lame lesson to learn when your husband is 3,000 miles away, but oh well. It's done, I learned, I am moving away from them.

I'm the kind of person that doesn't value 'sorry.' To me, a sorry is just a word. Action. That is what I want. I want to see the person not do the thing they were sorry for, or at least try to refrain. Some people don't and so when they sorry, they might as well not say anything. I've put some things behind me but the main offender isn't doing anything to make anything easier for anyone else and so all their sorries are dust in the wind.

I know, could I be more vague?

Well, the T-minus 30 is a reference to: the 30-day notice. Yep, I put in my 30 day notice today. Army willing, my daughter and I will be out of this apartment and in Augusta by the 15th of September, the very latest. Most importantly, we'll be closer to my wonderful husband while he's in school. I've received quite a few letters from him, what he's been able to manage, but all the heartfelt words aren't a substitute for the man himself. That's right, my husband is a man, with everything that entails. Naturally, I miss him. I love him and I want to be with him. I want to make him food and go on walks and go grocery shopping with him. I want us to be together. I understand why he had to go to BCT, why they isolate them and condition them and work them. Logically, it makes sense.

Emotionally...well, it's stupid. But the heart is not the brain. That goodness, it would be ill equipped. I'm trying to live with my brain leading the way but occasionally my heart tries to work with the brain and when the brain isn't looking, the heart hijacks me and it's lame. But for the most part, my brain has been taking things in, muddling, ruminating and working things out to make things easier on my poor heart.

Don't worry, heart! You'll have your day in the sun soon enough!

Blue Phase and I'm feeling blue.

So, my husband starts Blue Phase on Saturday. That means one more phase, a few more weeks. He goes on a few camping trips and then practice for graduation, outprocessing. I've been diligently working on moving stuff, talking to movers, finding out what paperwork I need, sending in checks and what not, getting rid of things we're not taking/don't need anymore.

It's been weeks since I've last seen Chris. The letters and the sunday phone calls were sustaining me. But i got three letters yesterday and ever since last night...I've been down. In addition to missing him fiercely, I've been down. This doesn't fall in with my desired personality I would like to project (sarcastic Vulcan). It's not a lack of caffeine, it's not hormones. Hell, I felt better on a pint and PMS. It is just straight up missing him.

It's just...it's been a long time. It's four weeks till I see him but I haven't seen him for six and change. I know other people have gone longer, eventually I'll have to go a year or more without seeing him but 10 weeks cold turkey...what the fuck? That's pretty much all I can say.

This summer has been going quickly, thank goodness. Still, not fast enough.

Please, thank you for reaing but I don't want any comments or phone calls right now, unless it's about something really stupid and banal.

Army Strong

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a stupid saying.

Yesterday my husband swore into the United States Army. We stood there and watched him standd at attention, waiting for the CO to come in, watced him continue to stand there, unsmiling, as the CO addressed us, speaking highly about the four men that stood before him, saying that us being there was a testament to how much of an impact these men had. Chris had the most people there. Two of the guys had no one there. I wonder if they felt like crap.

At 3:45 this morning, I woke up. I stare at the clock and wonder why it isn't later, feeling strangely awake. Light is starting to seep through the blinds. A few minutes later the cats make some kind of horrific yowling sound and I yell at them, forgetting that its too damn early to be yelling but too scared at the moment to care. I get up to see what the hell was the problem, finding cat throw up in the sala and poop on the floor. Awesome. I clean it up and conclude that some kind of animal must have been out in the parking lot. Other cats outside the window are the only thing that evoke that kind of reaction from my usually docile cats. All of this happens before 4.

4:00 am is when Chris will get his wake up call. He'll be given a few minutes to wash up, get ready and then have to go down to eat. He has to be down in the caf to eat by a certain time or he'll get in trouble. After breakfast that will probably include coffee he won't like, he'll get on a shuttle and head to the airport with the other people heading to Jackson today. Plane leaves at 6AM. He probably set his clock early. He probably woke up at 3:45.

I lie in bed, and the cray thoughts run into my head, the ones where people break into your house in the middle of the night and kill you and I keep thinking maybe the cats will make that horrible sound again but I pass out eventually because I'm tired and I can. Sopi and I wake up, yellow sunlight gleaming. She nurses for a bit, trying to shake off the last bit of sleepiness before she sits up in bed. "Poppa?"

"Poppa's not here, baby."

"Go yes sir school." She pauses for a moment. "Take bus yes sir school?"

"Yeah." I don't tell her that he's taking a plane. I don't want her to be jealous. Jealous of waking up early and going to bootcamp. It would just seem stupid.

Probably in Chicago now, trying to grab lunch, maybe a mag and a free second. Joking with his "team leader." Looking for a bathroom. Reading. Sitting the way he does, thinking about good coffee, no beer for ten weeks, smiling, saying 'son of a fuck," thinking about us.

How much more fond can the heart grow?

Did I gain a lvl? A prestige class? Or lose something?

So, in addition to being a wife, mom, gamer, cook, writer and anything else I am forgetting, I am going to be a: Army Wife.

Yep, as of Monday, my husband has enlisted in the United States Army. That means ALL of lives will be nutty. But yeah.

Also, I baked bread today. Yep, in addition to trying to find places to live in Augusta, GA, I also made whole wheat bread.

I think I get 50 xp for that.